The Torrent of Depression



Have you ever experienced depression? I have many times. I believe I am prone to it, due to my melancholy disposition and the hypersensitive, hyperempathetic personality God has blessed me with. At times of my life, this has been enough to trigger symptoms of depression. Other times, God has given me circumstances that have triggered it (ie. miscarriages, postpartum stress). Still other times, my sin and poor choices have resulted in consequences that trigger it (ie. broken friendships, difficult marriage, career/school challenges). For the past few years, depression has hounded me and for the past year, it has gripped me. I want to share this because I believe this is something many struggle with and fear the taboo with which it is associated. There are also loved ones of these people that do not understand what they face and I hope that this will help.

Depression is my enemy. In the bible, there is much written about enemies taunting and chasing God's people.  At any given moment, they could be attacked by the surrounding tribes, chased off their thone, or persecuted for their beliefs. Fortunately for us, we live in a great country where the only enemies we have are stuck behind the mostly inpenetrable wall of our armed forces.  But that doesn't mean that Satan gives up. In fact, he has chosen to attack us in a stealthier way. That might mean alcoholism, prostitution, pornography, greed, envy, etc. For me, it is depression.

This is the way I describe depression. It is like being stuck in a dark, hot, cramped room. Your lungs struggle to breathe in the stale, humid, oxygen-deprived air. Your body longs to move, stretch, or rest but there is no room. Your eyes search for the faintest of light to focus on so that you don't go mad. It is a hopeless and lonely place to be. Simple things like going to the store, making dinner, or sending a text feel like impossible feats.

 Most people in this place will do anything to feel better. Sometimes, these are good things, sometimes they are crazy things. Days after losing my first baby to miscarriage, i ran my first 5K. It sounds like a good thing, but in fact the whole time I was purposing to torture my body--this body that failed me and my child. I crossed the finish line with tears in my eyes, and a lump in my throat, and self-hatred in my heart. Those who don't understand judge people for such efforts, such "coping mechanisms". We judge the girl who goes home with a random guy from a bar so that for one night she can feel like she is worth something to someone. We judge people who turn to food for comfort and therefore gain weight, or turn away from food and become anorexic, never considering what pain they might be masking.  We judge people and get frustrated when people don't act like the perfect spouse, friend, neighbor, parent, churchgoer, etc. during these times. We judge people for going on anti-depressants to ease their pain. Remember that dark, cramped room? For me, anti-depressants were like someone opened a window. Yes, it was still cramped, hot, and dark, but at least there was a breeze. Prozac was a blessing to me for a short time, but it couldn't save me from my circumstances. So last fall, I chose to stop taking it and allow God to intervene. (I have known people who chemically were not able to function without medication and for them, it is the way that God intervenes/provides a way out or relief. For me, I do not believe this is the case).

This summer I studied the Psalms of the Ascent, one of which is Psalm 124. It speaks of how God saves us from our enemy.

"If the Lord had not been on our side--let Israel say--

if the Lord had not been on our side when men attacked us,

when their anger flared against us, they would have swallowed us alive;

the flood would have engulfed us,

the torrent would have swept over us,

dthe raging waters would have swept us away.

Praise be to the Lord, who has not let us be torn by their teeth.

We have excaped like a bird out of the fowler's snare;

the snare has been broken,

and we have escaped.

Our help is in the name of the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth."

I don't know why God sometimes lets us remain in the cramped room for long or using the psalms analogies, why he allows us to be stuck in the flood, raging waters, grip of the predator, or a snare.  Maybe it is to teach us something. Maybe it is to teach someone else something (If you have been married to or friends with a depressed person, you know how much compassion, tolerance, and unconditional love it takes.) Maybe it is our stubborn refusal to just leave the room.

But this I know, if we are patient, if we are faithful and if we are willing to trust God, he will not only guide us out of the room, but we will destroy the room and burn the remains to ashes.  The following song reminds me of what it feel like to be set free from this depression. It is something I have felt for the past month or so and it is an incredible feeling. If depression haunts you, just know that I pray for you and I hope that God rescues you soon!



Alive Again, by Matt Maher

I woke up in darkness
sounded by silence
oh where, where have I gone?

I woke to reality
losing its grip on me
oh where, where have I gone?

Cause I can see the light
before I see the sunrise

Chorus
You called and you shouted
broke through my deafness
now I’m breathing in
and breathing out
I’m alive again!

You shattered my darkness
washed away my blindness
now I’m breathing in
and breathing out
I’m alive again!

Verse 2
They never loved you
you waited for me,
I searched for you…
what took me so long?

I was looking outside
as a love would ever want to hide
I’m finding I was wrong

Cause I can feel the wind
before it hits my skin

Bridge
Cause I want you!
Yes, I want you,
I need you
And I’ll do what ever I have to
Just to get through
cause I love you
Yeah, I love you!



The Uncommon Friend: Encouragement

I was watching my friend's girls last week. Ellie, 6, came up to me as I handed her snack of homemade chocolate chip cookies and a banana and said, "You're a good mom." At first I thought, oh this is awkward--I'm not trying to act like her mom. So I said, "Well, thank you. Moms like to hear that kind of stuff." Ellie replied, "I know. I listen to how my mommy talks to other moms." That's when I realized, Ellie was only repeating what she hears her mom say to others. You see, her mom, Libby is one of the  most encouraging women I know. I could totally hear Libby saying to me (or someone else) after a tough mommy day, "Oh, Janine, you are a good mom."

I Thessalonians 5:11 tells us to "encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing." We need encouragement in this life! So let's give it to each other! When  I was in the most difficult times in my marriage, when friends asked what they could do for me, I said two things: Pray and encourage me to not give up. When my closest friend broke off our friendship and I thought it was because I was the worst person/friend in the world, I let go of all my pride and humbly crawled to the feet of my other friends and begged them to encourage me and tell me I was a good person and a good friend.

It also does good for us to give encouragement to others. When we look around us at who needs encouragement we open our eyes to the pain and strife around us. We start to see the world as God sees it. Check out one of my favorite songs is "Give me your eyes" by Brandon Heath.

"Give me your eyes" Video

Encouragement can take many forms. It might be in the form of a card. My friend Heather is great at picking out just the right one for the occasion. It might be a phone call. My friend, Katie, seems to get a sense every time I need someone to talk to. It might be a text. My friend Sarah is great at these quick and painless messages. It might be just sitting with someone who is at their bottommost point and saying, "It will be okay...someday." It could be as simple as hitting "Like" on a facebook status. Encouragement is easy, cheap, and it comes naturally because we all have a craving for it--we know what we would want to hear. Yet we are so slow and hesitant to hand it out.

Who around you needs encouragement? What little thing could you do TODAY to lift their spirit?

The Uncommon Friend, Part 6: A Tale of Two Sippies

I opened the zippered side of the diaper bag, just before getting out of the car this morning. Oh no, I thought. I pulled out a sippy cup that I didn’t remember putting in there.  Much worse, we haven’t been using a diaper bag for awhile since Jonathan has gotten older.  Who knows how old that sippy cup is?! Then I notice the fullness of the other zippered pocket on the other side. Yep, another very old and probably very disgusting sippy cup. I thought I smelled a faint soured scent, but didn’t really understand what I was in for until I got back into the hot car after Jonathan’s appointment and the smell overwhelmed me! As I drove home I debated the worth of the sippies. Sure, they are $4.99, but it might be worth it if I don’t have to spend one whole minute cleaning it, where I have to smell and even touch the nastiness inside.

Don’t ask me how this connection came to me, but I realized that our friends are like sippy cups. Most of the time, our friends serve their purpose and we are blessed for it. Think of all the times you have put things like chocolate milk or grape juice in one and then you watch your toddler pitch it onto the light colored couch or carpet. When we don’t have a sippy cup with us, we miss it. I remember sitting with William in a restaurant when he was two. The server gave him a Styrofoam cup with lid and straw for his water. Within two minutes he had punctured a hole in the cup with a straw and 16 oz of water covered us, the table, and the floor.  Another time I was at lunch with friends and the restaurant tried to put a plastic lid on a regular glass cup. We had three big milk spills before our meals came! (Needless to say, the next time we went, they had purchased kids cups!)

We have also had that horrible experience of the lost and found sippy cup like I experienced today. These are like our friends when they require work. Maybe they lost their job, their boyfriend, or their cat. Maybe they lost their joy, their smile, or their hope. Like a sippy cup, this friend used to bless us, and it might bless us again in the future, but right now, it requires effort on our part.  We have to choose. Is the sippy cup worth it? Is my friend worth it? Or do I just throw her/it away?

 Here are some reasons to toss it:

·         It will only cost $4.99 to replace it. We all have a lot of women around us. There is always someone else to call, visit, email, go out to lunch with, etc. What's the harm is transfering our affection, time, and effort to someone else?

·         Actually, I had already bought another one last week; that one will do. Maybe we already have that great other friend. It makes this decision a lot easier.

·         I’ll just adapt so that I don’t need that sippy cup…I’m sure my 11 month old can drink out of a regular cup without it ever spilling. We turn to isolation or independence. We don't need friends, we tell ourselves.

·         If I try to clean it, it is going to make me uncomfortable because I’ll have to touch it and the smell might linger in the kitchen or on my hands.  To be the friend God calls us to be, we have to get our hands dirty. Jesus gave some of hismost intimate time to the dirtiest people around.

On the other hand, you might consider why you should keep it:

·         I might need it next week when I’m in a pinch and we need our drinks in the car with us. If we fall on hard times, we need an accessible friend. We want to keep our bases covered.

·         That one has been the most reliable one—it never spills when it is on its side. We all know it. Different friends have different committment levels for us. You know who to call in an emergency. You know who would sacrifice anything for them. Hopefully, you are that kind of friend.

·         I’ve had that one since he was a baby, I can’t give up on it now . This one makes sense if you are a borderline hoarder, like me. And as uncomfortable as I am throwing out sippy cups, I’m even more uncomfortable throwing out friends.

Here is where the metaphor breaks down. First, sippy cups have no feelings. They have no soul. A nasty sippy cup in the trash can will not cry itself to sleep. It won’t drive itself crazy trying to discover what it did wrong. When you turn your back on a friend because they are “spoiled” or have spent too much time in the wrong place (not the cupboard) and in the wrong state (not being clean), these are the feelings that result. Oh, my heart aches for the friends that I have thrown away simply because I cared more about my comfort and my joy than I cared for them.  I have learned from experience that it is highly unlikely that the person will allow you to dig them out of the trash once you have realized your wrong. I have also learned that oftentimes if the person digs themselves out and cleans themselves up, the love they once had for you has been replaced by bitterness and resentment.

Second, sippy cups are solely for our use.  We do nothing for them in return. Friends are different.  We can’t just base our friendships on what they can do for us. But when I look around, I see this perspective everywhere! Yes, even in the church. Maybe even especially in the church.  We know our needs and we seek out friends to fill those roles. As soon as someone stops meeting our needs, our affection for them starts to wane.  It is easier to throw nasty sippy cups away as our child grows older and their ability to control their little hands gets better, isn’t it?

My suggestion is that maybe we shouldn’t be so quick to throw away our “sippy cups.” I pity the person who throws out their sippy cups prematurely. May heaven help us when a visiting child holds a cup of grape juice over our carpet, and there is not a reliable sippy cup in sight.

I Love You, Too, Lord

Do you ever have one of those times where you feel like God decided to throw you a bone? This weekend was one of those times. Clearly I have had a difficult year. Broken relationships and frustrating circumstances made my glass-half-empty personality go into overdrive. On top of that, God hasn't let me take the easy way out at all this year. In my prayer time with Him, I have been encouraged to take the high road, love unconditionally, pray for those hate me/hurt me, remain faithful to people even as they cause me pain continually and don't care, etc.

Well, God showed me so much grace this weekend. He lavished his love upon me, you could say. It started early Friday as I drove from Toledo to Columbus. Oh the joy of a road trip without three children yelling their needs from the back! I do enjoy listening to the VeggieTales Ultimate Silly Songs on repeat, but this was the time to listen to Beth Moore share her sometimes humorous, sometimes serious, but always heartfelt and encouraging wisdom. In this particular clip, she suggested that it is never appropriate to say, "I love you" to God. What is always appropriate is to say, "I love you, too" because everything God has done and continues to do is his way of showing us he loves us. "We love because he first loved us" (1 John 4:19).

If you've ever been to the midwest you know what it is like to drive through seemingly endless cornfields. Usually, those monotonous cornfields on US 23 are just a dull backdrop. That day they were as beautiful as the waterfalls of Ochos Rios, the mountains of my beloved Montana, and the breathtaking view at Magen's Bay. I love you, too, Lord.

I pulled my car into a Westerville driveway that I frequented on a weekly basis in college. I was met at the door by a beautiful little girl, the spitting image of her mother, Bethany. I first met Bethany as a freshman at OSU. I volunteered at my church to help babysit at MOPS. Bethany was the child care coordinator. She was a stay at home mom to two little boys and everything I wanted to be one day. In a moment where I literally thought the words were going to burst out of my chest if I didn't ask, I asked her to disciple me. She said yes and we both started crying because she said she was dying to ask me if she could disciple me. She was a rock for me in the craziness of college, when your head, your heart and your dreams for the future are going every single direction. She is gifted with visions from God. I know, I know. I'm very skeptical about such things as well, but hers is authentic and she doesn't throw it around all the time. This first vision she had for me was the week before George asked me out. She "saw" that God had placed a man in my life that I would form a great relationship with. Now, for most girls this would be a joke, but for someone who had never had a serious boyfriend and almost never got asked out of dates, this was big. Her second vision for me was on friday. I would really like to share it with you, but it really is too precious to me so I want to keep that to myself. What I can say, is that it makes my suffering worthwhile and it gives me such hope and encouragement for the future. To quote the great theologian, Timbuk 3, "my future's so bright, I gotta wear shades." Again, I love you, too, Lord.

On to Athens, where my good friend, Heather was willing to leave work early and drive an hour just to have lunch with me. My friendship with Heather is funny because we met on MySpace. Before you start imagining what THAT looked like, we had a mutual friend and we would ended up talking to each other on her page. Eventually we "friended' each other and that was that. I believe this was our third time seeing each other in person, but everything conversation with her is a blessing. She is very down to earth, whereas I either have my head in the clouds, or buried under six feet of dirt. She is funny, intelligent, incredibly caring, and an avid reader,  and we always have stuff to talk about. I saw something very valiant in Heather last year, when she had a difficult choice to make. Remember the mutual friend that introduced us? Well, we are no longer friends and it was very very contentious. There were several people that cut off their friendship with me as a result. They "took sides" the way we do in middle school. There were two women who chose not to, even though they knew all that happened, and actually were closer to my former friend. At the loneliest time of my life, Heather, and this one other woman, chose to believe I was still a worthwhile person to converse with. They chose to think the best of me instead of the worst. They had the courage to risk a friend's disappointment rather than heaping more coals on top of the already large fire that was burning on my back. Since then, Heather and I have a closer friendship and I absolutely cherished our fun lunch together! I love you, too, Lord.

Of course, there have also been friends who have always been there for me during my times of need. The ones who took buses visit me at OSU before I had any friends. The ones who helped me through high school when boys rejected me or I lost my position on the varsity soccer team. The ones who stood by me at my wedding and still uphold their promise to George and I  to encourage us in our marriage, to pray for our marriage, and to be there for us in our times of need. These were the girls I met at a cabin in Hocking Hills this weekend. Of course, some of them weren't able to make it and we missed them dearly. But Katie, Jessica, Jen, Melissa, and Marika, and I had a great time. We literally talked for hours and hours. There wasn't a single topic we didn't cover. Funny things. Serious things. Sad things. Happy  things. Weird things, or should I say, weird security guards and weird movies ("You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not.") I love you, too, Lord.

Sunday afternoon, I drove back home to my lovely, not-so-little family, who greeted me with a clean home, big smiles, squeeze hard hugs, and wagging tails.  I love you, too, Lord.

The Uncommon Friend, Part 5: Getting to Know You

You can make more friends in two months by becoming really interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get people interested in you.       - Ann Landers

My junior year of college I lived with some other girls.   It was actually my second year living in the house, and some of the roommates had moved on and others took their place. These girls were wonderful, beautiful women of God who gave their lives to ministry, but I knew how it went. You would walk in, say a quick hello to anyone you saw in the common area, and then you would go to your room in solitary. That’s the way it always had been, at least for me. In fact, in my two years at Ohio State, I had yet to make a really good friend that actually cared about getting to know me. One day a transfer student moved in. I’d heard some rumors about her and as a result, brushed off the idea of making a new friend. I had just returned from one of my first dates with George and she came in my room and asked me how it went. “Fine,” I replied, suspicious of what she wanted. “So how long have you been dating?” she asked. “Um, like a week, or something,” I said, curtly. Clearly not getting my hint that I wanted to be left alone, she continued asking questions. “How did you meet? How did he ask you out? Where did you go on your first date? What do you like about him?....” Once I had answered all of her questions, she left my room and I thought, “What was THAT?! Doesn’t she know that you aren’t supposed to actually CARE about your roommates?” The next night was the same thing, but a new topic. “So where did you grow up? What school did you go to? What activities did you do? Who were your best friends? Do you have any siblings? Where do they live?” Eventually, I realized that this was my fate. This girl was bound and determined to learn every single thing about me. It took some time but eventually I took down my wall and this girl became my best friend, was the maid of honor at my wedding just 18 months later and even stood in the delivery room when Jonathan was born. I’m convinced we never would have become friends if she had not shown interest in learning about me and been willing to take the time to get to know me.  I’ve met others who are great at this, but this girl truly honed this into an incredible gift that God uses in great ways!

I’m not so good at this. When we first met, I can guarantee you that I forgot your name immediately because I was too busy figuring out how I could sneak in something about me into what you were telling me. “You are from California? I was born in Monterey and its one of my dreams to go back and visit someday!” Yes, this can be used as a way to form a bond with someone, but I take it to a much more self-centered level!

If I do find a way to tame my tongue and ask only other-centered questions, I rarely remember the answers people give. Have you ever had someone remember something you once told them that even you thought was insignificant? Its such a testament to that person and it always makes you think well of them, doesn’t it?  I’ve started taking notes after playdates, events, and good conversations.  I’m sure there are more technologically advanced ways of doing this, but I have an accordion file and an index card for all the women in my life. On it, I write wedding dates, names of husband, kids, dogs, sisters, etc.  I write their prayer requests, struggles, favorite foods/candies (in case a care package is ever necessary), key facts, background facts, even inside jokes between us.

One of my favorite things to do to get to know people is to gather people together and ask each other questions out of the book, “IF: The Book of Questions.” It forces people to share information about themselves and it gives everyone a laugh, too. People LOVE to talk about themselves, so give them the opportunity!  Here are some good questions you can ask a new friend, or even an old friend or spouse. There answers might surprise you!

  Who was your favorite celebrity as a child?

  What type of pets do you have?

  What is your favorite color?

  What is most memorable about your high school years?

  What word describes you best?

  What is your greatest accomplishment?

  What drives you every day?

  What is your favorite food?

  Where do you want to retire?

  What is your business goal this year?

  Where do you like to vacation?

  Who do you admire?

  What is your mission?

  If you were invisible, where would you go?

  What traits in others are you attracted to?

  What is the kindest thing anyone has done for you?

  How do you want to be remembered?

  What would you do with a million dollars?

  If you were on an island, who would you want to be with? Why?

  You have a 10 minute speech to give at a high school, what is it about?

The Uncommon Friend Part 4: Making Yourself Open to New Friendships

I pray that you have great existing friendships.  Maybe you have had the same group of friends since grade school, or since you first started attending your church 10 years ago. I have some great friends I have grown up with and I look forward to sharing some ideas on how to better those relationships in the future. Today, though, I would like to start with the importance of being willing to make new friends. This is a personal one for me, so give me a second to get up on my soapbox.

I have moved 14 times in my 31 years. I moved many times when I was younger, the hardest transition being  in 7^th grade. I had some great friends in Fairfax, Virginia. I feel so blessed because I have recently connected with some of those friends (Jenny, Sandi, and Lynn) through Facebook. When I moved to Beavercreek, Ohio, it took a full year to really recreate friendships. My sister, Kim, and I used to talk about how awful it was to not have anyone to hang out with at school. Fortunately, my good friend, Bethany took a chance on me. She started inviting me to sleepovers, football games, and such. Eventually, her friends became my friends and they still hold a big piece of my heart.  Bethany had a hospitable heart. When we hear the word “hospitality” we think of things we can do, like having a quaint guest room, with nice shampoos in a basket in the bathroom, and lasagna baking in the oven. We think of dropping off a plate of cookies to the new neighbors or offering a far-off and hypothetical invitation for them to use our pool  “someday.”And these things are great, as long as you actually invite the overnight guest, deliver the cookies, and put a date for the pool party on the calendar. But hospitality is so much more than that. I read an interesting book called “Radical Hospitality.” It was written by writer Lonni Collins Pratt and Benedictine monk, Father Daniel Homan. It shares the 1500 year old Rule of St. Benedict that "all guests who present themselves are to be welcomed as Christ" and it spoke of opening your heart to strangers just as we are to open our heart to Jesus Christ. Father Homan tells many stories of people who came to his monastery in search of physical shelter, yet the real longing in their heart was for relationship—the kind of relationship that didn’t sway with the breeze. This is not something that women today readily offer to people they have just met.

Since getting married nine years ago, George and I have moved 7, yes, 7 times. We have met many individuals, many couples, many groups of friends, many church congregations in cities and states throughout the country. Most of the people I have met have offered a friendly smile and chance to get just close enough to peer into their lives, but not be a part of their lives. I have been to church small groups where no one even bothers to ask our names. Women’s events where I have sat alone while the “popular” group laughs and laughs, completely oblivious to anyone else on the outskirts. I spoke of this clique-mentality in an earlier post. It is a strategy for self-preservation and security and I can’t blame them for it. On occasion I catch myself being part of an inner group, without thought to anyone who might feel left out and uncared for at any given event. It is natural to seek participation in a tight knit group, but as Christians, we are called to rise above it and reach out to others. Even if we are trying to do what is good, we must consider what is best in God’s eyes. One of my best friends from graduate school was going through a really hard time and she was moving to the same town as another good friend who had lived there a long time and had established friendships and connections. I called that friend, told her about the situation, and she called my just-moved friend and asked her to lunch. After that, I didn’t hear anything more so I asked my established friend what ended up happening. She said something that we all think, but few would be honest enough to say. “I was happy to go out to lunch with her that once, but I have a lot of other existing friendships that I want to pour into.” I couldn’t get mad at her, but it made me heart hurt for my friend going through the hard time. Of course we would rather commune with friends we already know. There is no awkwardness. There is no effort required. And it is a GOOD THING to laugh with friends, tell old jokes, and just sit in the comfort and peace of loving others and being loved in return. However, we must also have times where we place ourselves in uncomfortable situations and risk awkward silences, clashing personalities, and differing perspectives on life, politics, and religion if we are to do the best thing, which is to minister to others and show them God’s love. Yes, Jesus spent a lot of time with his disciples, dining with them and traveling with them. Yet there were many times when Jesus chose to go hang out with the judgmental Pharisees and religious folk, the hated tax collectors, the undignified prostitutes. I doubt it was ever comfortable for him, but it was what he was called to do.

It is a rare blessing when someone takes the risk to get to know you and let you know them. When I first moved to New Braunfels, TX in May 2005, I immediately started looking for a church. Honestly, Southern Baptist churches had scared me since childhood and that’s all this town had (I have since completely reversed my stance, and I have absolutely LOVED the two s.b. churches we have been members of since then.) I went to the Young Life Alumni page on the Young Life website to see if there was anyone in town who could give me some suggestions. I came across the name Becca Hill. I emailed her, not expecting much back. That day, she emailed me with excitement that jumped through the computer screen. She told me all about the town, invited me to her church, invited me to a bible study that was a close group of friends that she had been a part of for years, and then she invited me out for coffee! I could have been (and maybe I actually am) the weirdest, most disagreeable, clingiest, or most backstabbing person ever. She was willing to take the risk.

The Practicals

As promised, here are some very practical things we can do to open our hearts to new people. Disclaimer: I don’t pretend to be the perfect person, or friend. Some of these things I have done, some I have witnessed others do for me or others.

1. Invite someone out to lunch. There is a huge difference between inviting someone out to a group outing, and someone out individually. An invitation to a group outing says, “please come have fun with us.” An invitation to an individual lunch says, “I really want to get to know you, and I’m willing to sacrifice time and money to do that.”

2. Next time you are at a party, wedding, or church gathering and you find yourself laughing with a group of friends, take a moment and look around. Who is standing by themselves?

3. When someone does move in to the neighborhood, or town, bring them the cookies, but then ask what their immediate needs are. We moved to Jackson, TN on the day that Ohio State was playing in the NCAA Basketball Championship. Our wonderful neighbors, Robin and Paul, knew we didn’t have cable, or even a tv, so they invited us over to watch the game and ordered in some good ole Tennessee barbecue. When we moved to Toledo, I was 34 weeks pregnant and hours away from family. At church we reconnected with an old acquaintance, Libby, and within minutes she offered to watch our toddler and preschooler in the event of labor.

4. If you really aren’t comfortable getting to know someone new by yourself, enroll a friend to help. If you and one other friend walk around the mall or park with the new girl, as long as you make efforts to include her in the conversation, she will already feel like she is part of something. When I moved to Greenville, SC, I went out to a movie with best friends, Nicole and Jerushah. I remember at one point they were laughing about some inside joke and just as I was about to feel that left out feeling, Jerushah turned to me and informed me that Nicole had just found out she was pregnant and they were laughing about all the surprises that brings. I was honored that they would include me on such a secret.

5. Intentionally commit social faux pas. How weird would it be for the new people in the neighborhood to be the ones knocking on door to introduce themselves? It’s not right. The established should welcome the non-established, but that just doesn’t always happen. Take the initiative. Host your own housewarming party. Invite yourself to the existing small group at church. Talk to people at the grocery store (you southerners will laugh because this is completely normal, while my fellow northerners just broke into a sweat!). When you have a good conversation at the playground and have that thought, “we could be good friends,” set up another playground meeting to ensure that happens. I had an instant connection with my friend, Kristen, but I was insecure about asking her to hang out since I was new in town. We met again 6 months later and became great friends, but now I live ten hours away so time together is rare. I wish I had that extra 6 months and laugh with her and learn from her, but I am so grateful that God gave me a second chance to form a friendship with her.

6. Don’t give up at the first sign of resistance. My friend, Jen, approached me the first day of 8^th grade in gym class and introduced herself to me. I was so angry at my parents for making me move that summer that I was really short with her and didn’t give her much in return for her friendliness. She proceeded to go to her friends at the lunch table (who would later become my best friends, one year later) and said, “Don’t talk to the new girl. She’s a jerk.” We laugh now, but boy, that year would have been so much easier if she had kept trying and I made those friends that much sooner.

Please share some other ideas. In my extremely idealistic mind, I would love to turn all of this into a book some day! So email me feedback and your experiences so I can include it!

A Friend’s Rejection, by Boyd Bailey

From Boyd Bailey, Wisdom Hunters Devotional


If an enemy were insulting me, I could endure it; if a foe were raising  himself against me, I could hide from him. But it is you, a man like  myself, my companion, my close friend with whom I once enjoyed sweet  fellowship as we walked with the throng at the house of God. Psalm  55:12-14

The worst kind of rejection may be the rejection of a friend. You expect it from an enemy, but not from a friend. It doesn’t make sense that someone you communed with around Christ would come back and crush you with rejection. Rejection integrated with religious pretense is rough. It challenges our trust in people in general, and our faith in God in particular. With an open foe you can see it coming. But with a pretend friend it takes you by surprise. You feel ambushed by unauthentic living. One day you are laughing together around life’s little peculiarities, and the next day you are dazed by the anger of an unstable man. It is haunting and humbling at the same time. You don’t know whether to lash back, or to languish in disillusionment. Friendly betrayal is frightening.

Reproaches from those we have been intimate with cut to the quick. They know our strengths and our weaknesses. They know where we are vulnerable. They know how to exploit our struggles and take advantage of our good will. It is as if you have been emotionally naked with someone, and now you feel embarrassed because of his or her indiscretions. What happened to the person you once knew? How could you have been so deceived? It may have been a decade of deceit embedded in your marriage vows. It may have been financial fraud and embezzlement over a long period of time. It may be a hidden addiction that has all the while hijacked your relationship for their credibility.

Our Lord Jesus, of course, had one for whom he trusted to the point of managing the money. He was close to Christ in proximity, but far away in faith. For Judas, it was all about the cash. Money motivated him in the beginning, and money was his downfall in the end. Money-motivated men may be pleasant on the outside, but they are full of themselves on the inside. They set you up for their own selfish purposes. We see it so clearly after the fact. But in the beginning, we can be easily deceived. Therefore, really get to know someone before you heavily invest. In time, they can be trusted.

Avoid the temptation to reject those who have rejected you. This is our natural response. However, under the influence of the Holy Spirit, our right response is to forgive their failings, regardless of how radical their behavior. We are all candidates for sin, even gross sin. Without God’s grace and the accountability of a committed community of believers, we are deceivers with the best of them. The worst deceivers have been the most deceived. Paul stated well our role toward those trapped in sin: “Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted” (Galatians 6:1). Yes, rejection by a trusted friend is fiendish and false-hearted. However, we are called to be forgiving and pure-hearted. Do not stoop to their standards that are sub par to your Savior’s. By God’s grace, rise above rejection.